New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions are a funny thing. Their true nature is best observed at health clubs shortly after the new year comes around. Normally, local health clubs are filled with familiar faces. The people with real dedication to work out show up consistently. After a month or two, the dedicated people learn each other's names and begin developing relationships. Jenny knows that each Friday at 9 am she will go to the yoga class and talk about her week with Molly.  C.J. knows that Bob has nothing to do during the day (but also doesn't really like working out), so he will run into Bob wandering the club's halls anytime between 8 am and 3 pm. And everyone knows that the freaky strong (and probably lesbian) Helga runs a wicked hard spin class on Monday mornings.

Then things change. January 1 rolls around, and all of the sudden Jenny and Molly find themselves arriving too late to get a spot at the Friday morning yoga class. The parking lot is crazy full. C.J. can hardly spot Bob through the crowds in the halls. It happens every year. The regulars expect it, and dread it: thousands of people in the neighborhood making a New Year's Resolution to work out and lose weight. Fortunately for the regulars (and unfortunately for the state of humanity), they already know what happens next. January will suck. February will be a little bit better. And by mid-late March, C.J. will have no trouble at all spotting Bob wandering the halls.

Greg, congratulations on your resolution. The Response sincerely hopes that you succeed. And come March, Jenny and Molly will love to have you at 9 am yoga. Don't worry about showing up early: there should be plenty of open spots.

Wyld Life and Halloween

Well, faithful readers, my ten day protest of the Mother Ship has come to an end. Somewhere in between realizing that he is a bad Young Life leader and dressing up as Girl Scout cookies for Halloween, Greg deciding to stop blogging again. Perhaps this was a deliberate attempt to frustrate my protest. What good is refusing to respond when there is nothing to respond to. I am starting to believe that Greg is an evil genius. It has taken me some time to come to this realization. Greg's blog really threw me off course. He wants us to think that he is actually the kind of person who would blog about random crap ranging from his weight, his parents' sexual relations, his own blogging habits, and Halloween costumes. The Mother Ship is nothing but a Red Herring. He wants to divert our attention away from his evil genius and towards ridiculous things that are probably all made up. In fact, I'm ready to believe that Greg is one of the most evil, sinister, and conniving people on this planet. My advice: whatever Greg blogs abouts, believe the opposite. Whatever he says to do, do the opposite.

For instance, Greg claims he celebrated Halloween dressed up as a box of Girl Scout cookies. He even fabricated a picture. People: nobody is dumb enough to do this. He wants us to think that he is only so we vastly underestimate him. I am also beginning to doubt whether Greg is actually a Young Life leader. Is Parker even a real Young Life area? These are the questions we need to start asking ourselves. If we don't, Greg wins. And there's no telling what Greg is planning next.

I've Become a Bad Blogger and Poker

My how the pendulum swings. I go 24 hours without checking the Mother Ship, and all of the sudden there are two fresh posts waiting for me. Imagine my surprise, after waiting a full TEN days for something to respond to. Greg's barbaric actions have led me to a single conclusion: the Mother Ship is attempting to suffocate the Response. "With nothing to respond to, it will surely die a slow and painful death," he says. Unfortunately, it appears that mothers killing their offspring is not altogether uncommon. Add this episode to the list. What? You want some evidence? I refer you to Greg's post from Wednesday, October 6, entitled "Best Dressed." Greg talks about the fact that he just downloaded a blogger app for his phone and the added convenience it brings. Convenience indeed. It appears all too convenient that Greg neglects to blog for ten full days shortly after boasting about the ease of blogging.

In the meantime, I received a support letter from Greg. That's right folks, while Greg was suffocating me, he had the decency to slip a support letter in my pocket. As if this wasn't enough, he is now talking about gambling his support money away. "Hi, my name is Greg. I am currently employed with Young Life and I need to raise a crap load of money to remain on staff. I know your family has already contributed a small fortune to my past exploits, but I think I deserve a little more. When I get your money, I plan on using it to play online poker. I developed this strategy after getting jealous upon watching my friend Colin win an online tournament. Notwithstanding the fact that Colin has lost more money playing poker than he's won, I think this is a great idea. Also, please disregard the fact that I am intentionally destroying Responder Guy's livelihood."

So, who do I make the check out to?

Lifestyle Change

A lot has happened since the last time Greg blogged. In addition to a few new species evolving, roaming the planet, and eventually succumbing to extinction, it appears that Greg developed a receding hairline and a weight problem. This is a great lesson for kids everywhere: don't shirk on your obligations. You will get fat and lose all your hair.

But let's get real here folks. "Fat" and "hairless" are relative terms. Okay, maybe not hairless, but fat definitely is. And there's no better place to be overweight than America. In America, you can be overweight and skinny at the same time.  Greg, I bet this kid weighs more than you. He's like 14. You have been consuming massive amounts of calories for almost ten more years than him, and he still outweighs you. Compared to him, you are definitely not fat. Overweight? Apparently, the CDC thinks Greg would be overweight if he weighed 170 lbs or more. That's got to be a misprint. I think Greg's birth weight was 172 lbs. This is America, people. Any man who is 5'9" and weighs under 170 lbs does not do enough of the following: drink beer, tailgate, watch sports, think about exercising, decide not to exercise, feel guilty about not exercising, drink and eat to drown out the guilt and self-loathing. Being a "healthy weight" is like eating three cups of vegetables a day. Who does this? To all the vegetarians out there, wipe that stupid look off your face and just go with me for a freakin second, will ya? I'm trying to make a fat guy feel better about himself.

As for the hair? I know girls (ok, trannies) who would die to have locks like that. Next time you talk about a lifestyle change, focus on something that actually needs improvement. Like your blogging habits.

My Parents

So, apparently Greg thinks his parents aren't very affectionate. Oh if he could only see what happens when the lights go out. Shut the door. Make sure Greg's in bed. Where's Robert? Meh, who cares. A little reality television in the background. Maybe an argument about who's going to get voted off Dancing with the Stars. But only so they can make up afterwards. Oh, baby. Cue the Marvin Gaye. You know which one.

Unfortunately, the Brinck's aforementioned intimate practices have spun out of control. Greg mentioned that Suze is off on business. She told Greg she's on a "work trip." However, Response investigators confirmed that Suze is not, in fact, on a business trip this week. Suze is currently receiving treatment at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Initial reports are that she's in the same counseling groups as Tiger Woods. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Suze and Larry are 100% monogamous. They remain each other's muse and flame. Indeed, recent police reports stem from the couple's "overly affectionate"  behavior in airplane bathrooms, public buses, movie theaters, and Cheddar's. They simply needed some difficult time apart to learn to control their salacious affections. 

All of this might be "awkward" for Greg, but the 31 years of Suze on, er, and Larry is definitely not a hoax.

Country Buffet

Check the dates, people. We went two whole days without a post from Greg. Just last Wednesday Greg was bragging about the added convenience of a blogger app for his Droid. Then he sticks us up for two whole days. Wait. Scratch that. Response investigators just informed me that Greg was at Country Buffet for the past three days. We actually have video of Greg's last few minutes at Country Buffet. Here it is. Fast forward to minute 8:45.

The only thing funnier than picturing Greg eating "so much that the restaurant looses money on me" is picturing him doing this while his dad sits across the table. Granted, I don't think I understand what it means for a restaurant to "loose" money.

In other news, about 16,000 children die every day from hunger related causes. That's about one child every 5 seconds -- almost the rate at which Greg shoved pieces of fried chicken into his mouth at Country Buffet. I ask you: who is the real "looser" here?

Just One of Those Days

Did anyone else picture Greg singing this song?

Here's what we know about Greg's day: After waking up at 9, he got ready and had a meeting with a leader in Highlands Ranch at 10. Then things go dark until 5. The day was clearly busy. Before Greg left for Wyld Life club, he had only "10 spare minutes." Greg then forgets three things over the next hour: his iPod, the banquet flyers, and the sound system. Something happened between 11 and 5 that was weighing on Greg's mind. Something big. Something that forced this otherwise responsible man to almost ruin Wyld Life club for the 5-10 middle schoolers who attended.

Here at The Response, we've got you covered. Our inside sources investigated and discovered what happened between 11 and 5: Greg took a nap.