I've Become a Bad Blogger and Poker

My how the pendulum swings. I go 24 hours without checking the Mother Ship, and all of the sudden there are two fresh posts waiting for me. Imagine my surprise, after waiting a full TEN days for something to respond to. Greg's barbaric actions have led me to a single conclusion: the Mother Ship is attempting to suffocate the Response. "With nothing to respond to, it will surely die a slow and painful death," he says. Unfortunately, it appears that mothers killing their offspring is not altogether uncommon. Add this episode to the list. What? You want some evidence? I refer you to Greg's post from Wednesday, October 6, entitled "Best Dressed." Greg talks about the fact that he just downloaded a blogger app for his phone and the added convenience it brings. Convenience indeed. It appears all too convenient that Greg neglects to blog for ten full days shortly after boasting about the ease of blogging.

In the meantime, I received a support letter from Greg. That's right folks, while Greg was suffocating me, he had the decency to slip a support letter in my pocket. As if this wasn't enough, he is now talking about gambling his support money away. "Hi, my name is Greg. I am currently employed with Young Life and I need to raise a crap load of money to remain on staff. I know your family has already contributed a small fortune to my past exploits, but I think I deserve a little more. When I get your money, I plan on using it to play online poker. I developed this strategy after getting jealous upon watching my friend Colin win an online tournament. Notwithstanding the fact that Colin has lost more money playing poker than he's won, I think this is a great idea. Also, please disregard the fact that I am intentionally destroying Responder Guy's livelihood."

So, who do I make the check out to?

Lifestyle Change

A lot has happened since the last time Greg blogged. In addition to a few new species evolving, roaming the planet, and eventually succumbing to extinction, it appears that Greg developed a receding hairline and a weight problem. This is a great lesson for kids everywhere: don't shirk on your obligations. You will get fat and lose all your hair.

But let's get real here folks. "Fat" and "hairless" are relative terms. Okay, maybe not hairless, but fat definitely is. And there's no better place to be overweight than America. In America, you can be overweight and skinny at the same time.  Greg, I bet this kid weighs more than you. He's like 14. You have been consuming massive amounts of calories for almost ten more years than him, and he still outweighs you. Compared to him, you are definitely not fat. Overweight? Apparently, the CDC thinks Greg would be overweight if he weighed 170 lbs or more. That's got to be a misprint. I think Greg's birth weight was 172 lbs. This is America, people. Any man who is 5'9" and weighs under 170 lbs does not do enough of the following: drink beer, tailgate, watch sports, think about exercising, decide not to exercise, feel guilty about not exercising, drink and eat to drown out the guilt and self-loathing. Being a "healthy weight" is like eating three cups of vegetables a day. Who does this? To all the vegetarians out there, wipe that stupid look off your face and just go with me for a freakin second, will ya? I'm trying to make a fat guy feel better about himself.

As for the hair? I know girls (ok, trannies) who would die to have locks like that. Next time you talk about a lifestyle change, focus on something that actually needs improvement. Like your blogging habits.

My Parents

So, apparently Greg thinks his parents aren't very affectionate. Oh if he could only see what happens when the lights go out. Shut the door. Make sure Greg's in bed. Where's Robert? Meh, who cares. A little reality television in the background. Maybe an argument about who's going to get voted off Dancing with the Stars. But only so they can make up afterwards. Oh, baby. Cue the Marvin Gaye. You know which one.

Unfortunately, the Brinck's aforementioned intimate practices have spun out of control. Greg mentioned that Suze is off on business. She told Greg she's on a "work trip." However, Response investigators confirmed that Suze is not, in fact, on a business trip this week. Suze is currently receiving treatment at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Initial reports are that she's in the same counseling groups as Tiger Woods. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Suze and Larry are 100% monogamous. They remain each other's muse and flame. Indeed, recent police reports stem from the couple's "overly affectionate"  behavior in airplane bathrooms, public buses, movie theaters, and Cheddar's. They simply needed some difficult time apart to learn to control their salacious affections. 

All of this might be "awkward" for Greg, but the 31 years of Suze on, er, and Larry is definitely not a hoax.

Country Buffet

Check the dates, people. We went two whole days without a post from Greg. Just last Wednesday Greg was bragging about the added convenience of a blogger app for his Droid. Then he sticks us up for two whole days. Wait. Scratch that. Response investigators just informed me that Greg was at Country Buffet for the past three days. We actually have video of Greg's last few minutes at Country Buffet. Here it is. Fast forward to minute 8:45.

The only thing funnier than picturing Greg eating "so much that the restaurant looses money on me" is picturing him doing this while his dad sits across the table. Granted, I don't think I understand what it means for a restaurant to "loose" money.

In other news, about 16,000 children die every day from hunger related causes. That's about one child every 5 seconds -- almost the rate at which Greg shoved pieces of fried chicken into his mouth at Country Buffet. I ask you: who is the real "looser" here?

Just One of Those Days

Did anyone else picture Greg singing this song?

Here's what we know about Greg's day: After waking up at 9, he got ready and had a meeting with a leader in Highlands Ranch at 10. Then things go dark until 5. The day was clearly busy. Before Greg left for Wyld Life club, he had only "10 spare minutes." Greg then forgets three things over the next hour: his iPod, the banquet flyers, and the sound system. Something happened between 11 and 5 that was weighing on Greg's mind. Something big. Something that forced this otherwise responsible man to almost ruin Wyld Life club for the 5-10 middle schoolers who attended.

Here at The Response, we've got you covered. Our inside sources investigated and discovered what happened between 11 and 5: Greg took a nap.

Best Dressed

Great news everyone! Greg downloaded a blogger app for his Driod. When I heard this, two things immediately came to mind. First, we will never have to languish through another day waiting in vain for Greg to make a new Mother Ship post. I think this just added 5-10 years to my life. In the past, I have been so worried that Greg would not make his daily post. Now, there is absolutely no reason for him not to post something. He can blog straight from his phone for goodness sake. In fact, if Greg goes 24 hours without posting, something has probably gone horribly wrong. I'm talking Amber Alert people. If Greg goes a whole day without posting, I encourage all readers to call the police and report a kidnapping/act of terrorism on the blog.

Second, I know we were all relieved that Greg's life is finally getting a little more convenient. Take yesterday for example. Greg spent his entire day at the office. And this is no suit and tie gig. We're talking manual labor. And Greg was still the best dressed in his workplace. Sure, maybe the office was his parents' house, he probably spent more time eating Suzie's fresh-cooked cookies than working, he was essentially wearing pajamas, the manual labor was putting the cookie in his mouth and chewing, and he was the best dressed only because his brother was lounging around in his boxers (making him the only one dressed, really). Forget about that stuff. We can all rest easier knowing that Greg finally has a little convenience in his life.

Crying

So, apparently Greg cries a lot.

I know what you all are thinking: "What a wuss! I can't believe Greg cries. Maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore." Don't listen to these people Greg. After all, you are in good company.

Jack Bauer cried at the end of Season 3 of 24. I couldn't find a link for this one.
Emmitt Smith cried during his Hall of Fame induction speech. Many others have done the same, like Brett Favre.
Tim Tebow cried after the Florida Gators lost to Alabama last season.
I don't know how you feel about Glen Beck, but he sure cries a lot.
Dan Rather cries at the end of this segment with Dave Letterman.
Terrell Owens had a memorable crying moment.
In one of the most awkward moments I have ever seen on TV, Kanye West cried on Leno.
President George H.W. Bush cried more than a lot of others.
Who can forget about the "It's Still Real to Me Dammit" guy?
Also, the Bible tells us that "Jesus wept." I'm having trouble finding video for this one.

That's right, Greg finds himself in a category populated by Jack Bauer, Emmitt Smith, and Jesus. It's time for men to ask themselves whether it's truly unmanly to cry. I think the masculinity standard is more complex these days. However, one thing remains certain: there's no crying in sports, especially baseball. Emmitt Smith, Brett Favre, and Tim Tebow clarify that this standard is limited to the playing field. Once the game is over, apparently the sprinklers can come on. Aside from crying during a game, the most unmanly thing to cry about is probably physical pain. This seems counterintuitive, but I think it's true. It's almost a Man Law that when you are in physical pain you fight back tears as hard as you possibly can. To be sure, there is a threshold beyond which it is okay to cry -- somewhere between high ankle sprain and major broken bone (nothing below the ankles or wrists). And finally, there is the crying Greg talked about. This kind of crying is brought on by being moved emotionally. As shown by the examples above, I think this kind of crying is becoming more and more acceptable. It's almost as if you publicly proclaim: "I am such a man that I don't care if I'm moved to tears by my emotions. Nothing you think will affect my manliness." Greg was headed straight down this path.

Was headed straight down this path. And then two words changed everything: "tender heart." Maybe he actually meant: "I have embraced the tender animal heart I have been eating with my bare hands." Now that's manly. Or maybe it was a Lionel Richie reference, which has a certain element of romantic smoothness. Maybe Greg was trying to tell us that he is experiencing early symptoms of congenital heart failure. This is a serious condition that many men suffer from and is certainly not unmanly to have. If that's the case, we obviously wish him the best and will keep him in our prayers.

But if "tender heart" really means what it sounds like it means? Well, that's just plain unmanly.