I've Become a Bad Blogger and Poker

My how the pendulum swings. I go 24 hours without checking the Mother Ship, and all of the sudden there are two fresh posts waiting for me. Imagine my surprise, after waiting a full TEN days for something to respond to. Greg's barbaric actions have led me to a single conclusion: the Mother Ship is attempting to suffocate the Response. "With nothing to respond to, it will surely die a slow and painful death," he says. Unfortunately, it appears that mothers killing their offspring is not altogether uncommon. Add this episode to the list. What? You want some evidence? I refer you to Greg's post from Wednesday, October 6, entitled "Best Dressed." Greg talks about the fact that he just downloaded a blogger app for his phone and the added convenience it brings. Convenience indeed. It appears all too convenient that Greg neglects to blog for ten full days shortly after boasting about the ease of blogging.

In the meantime, I received a support letter from Greg. That's right folks, while Greg was suffocating me, he had the decency to slip a support letter in my pocket. As if this wasn't enough, he is now talking about gambling his support money away. "Hi, my name is Greg. I am currently employed with Young Life and I need to raise a crap load of money to remain on staff. I know your family has already contributed a small fortune to my past exploits, but I think I deserve a little more. When I get your money, I plan on using it to play online poker. I developed this strategy after getting jealous upon watching my friend Colin win an online tournament. Notwithstanding the fact that Colin has lost more money playing poker than he's won, I think this is a great idea. Also, please disregard the fact that I am intentionally destroying Responder Guy's livelihood."

So, who do I make the check out to?

Lifestyle Change

A lot has happened since the last time Greg blogged. In addition to a few new species evolving, roaming the planet, and eventually succumbing to extinction, it appears that Greg developed a receding hairline and a weight problem. This is a great lesson for kids everywhere: don't shirk on your obligations. You will get fat and lose all your hair.

But let's get real here folks. "Fat" and "hairless" are relative terms. Okay, maybe not hairless, but fat definitely is. And there's no better place to be overweight than America. In America, you can be overweight and skinny at the same time.  Greg, I bet this kid weighs more than you. He's like 14. You have been consuming massive amounts of calories for almost ten more years than him, and he still outweighs you. Compared to him, you are definitely not fat. Overweight? Apparently, the CDC thinks Greg would be overweight if he weighed 170 lbs or more. That's got to be a misprint. I think Greg's birth weight was 172 lbs. This is America, people. Any man who is 5'9" and weighs under 170 lbs does not do enough of the following: drink beer, tailgate, watch sports, think about exercising, decide not to exercise, feel guilty about not exercising, drink and eat to drown out the guilt and self-loathing. Being a "healthy weight" is like eating three cups of vegetables a day. Who does this? To all the vegetarians out there, wipe that stupid look off your face and just go with me for a freakin second, will ya? I'm trying to make a fat guy feel better about himself.

As for the hair? I know girls (ok, trannies) who would die to have locks like that. Next time you talk about a lifestyle change, focus on something that actually needs improvement. Like your blogging habits.

My Parents

So, apparently Greg thinks his parents aren't very affectionate. Oh if he could only see what happens when the lights go out. Shut the door. Make sure Greg's in bed. Where's Robert? Meh, who cares. A little reality television in the background. Maybe an argument about who's going to get voted off Dancing with the Stars. But only so they can make up afterwards. Oh, baby. Cue the Marvin Gaye. You know which one.

Unfortunately, the Brinck's aforementioned intimate practices have spun out of control. Greg mentioned that Suze is off on business. She told Greg she's on a "work trip." However, Response investigators confirmed that Suze is not, in fact, on a business trip this week. Suze is currently receiving treatment at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Initial reports are that she's in the same counseling groups as Tiger Woods. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Suze and Larry are 100% monogamous. They remain each other's muse and flame. Indeed, recent police reports stem from the couple's "overly affectionate"  behavior in airplane bathrooms, public buses, movie theaters, and Cheddar's. They simply needed some difficult time apart to learn to control their salacious affections. 

All of this might be "awkward" for Greg, but the 31 years of Suze on, er, and Larry is definitely not a hoax.

Country Buffet

Check the dates, people. We went two whole days without a post from Greg. Just last Wednesday Greg was bragging about the added convenience of a blogger app for his Droid. Then he sticks us up for two whole days. Wait. Scratch that. Response investigators just informed me that Greg was at Country Buffet for the past three days. We actually have video of Greg's last few minutes at Country Buffet. Here it is. Fast forward to minute 8:45.

The only thing funnier than picturing Greg eating "so much that the restaurant looses money on me" is picturing him doing this while his dad sits across the table. Granted, I don't think I understand what it means for a restaurant to "loose" money.

In other news, about 16,000 children die every day from hunger related causes. That's about one child every 5 seconds -- almost the rate at which Greg shoved pieces of fried chicken into his mouth at Country Buffet. I ask you: who is the real "looser" here?

Just One of Those Days

Did anyone else picture Greg singing this song?

Here's what we know about Greg's day: After waking up at 9, he got ready and had a meeting with a leader in Highlands Ranch at 10. Then things go dark until 5. The day was clearly busy. Before Greg left for Wyld Life club, he had only "10 spare minutes." Greg then forgets three things over the next hour: his iPod, the banquet flyers, and the sound system. Something happened between 11 and 5 that was weighing on Greg's mind. Something big. Something that forced this otherwise responsible man to almost ruin Wyld Life club for the 5-10 middle schoolers who attended.

Here at The Response, we've got you covered. Our inside sources investigated and discovered what happened between 11 and 5: Greg took a nap.

Best Dressed

Great news everyone! Greg downloaded a blogger app for his Driod. When I heard this, two things immediately came to mind. First, we will never have to languish through another day waiting in vain for Greg to make a new Mother Ship post. I think this just added 5-10 years to my life. In the past, I have been so worried that Greg would not make his daily post. Now, there is absolutely no reason for him not to post something. He can blog straight from his phone for goodness sake. In fact, if Greg goes 24 hours without posting, something has probably gone horribly wrong. I'm talking Amber Alert people. If Greg goes a whole day without posting, I encourage all readers to call the police and report a kidnapping/act of terrorism on the blog.

Second, I know we were all relieved that Greg's life is finally getting a little more convenient. Take yesterday for example. Greg spent his entire day at the office. And this is no suit and tie gig. We're talking manual labor. And Greg was still the best dressed in his workplace. Sure, maybe the office was his parents' house, he probably spent more time eating Suzie's fresh-cooked cookies than working, he was essentially wearing pajamas, the manual labor was putting the cookie in his mouth and chewing, and he was the best dressed only because his brother was lounging around in his boxers (making him the only one dressed, really). Forget about that stuff. We can all rest easier knowing that Greg finally has a little convenience in his life.

Crying

So, apparently Greg cries a lot.

I know what you all are thinking: "What a wuss! I can't believe Greg cries. Maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore." Don't listen to these people Greg. After all, you are in good company.

Jack Bauer cried at the end of Season 3 of 24. I couldn't find a link for this one.
Emmitt Smith cried during his Hall of Fame induction speech. Many others have done the same, like Brett Favre.
Tim Tebow cried after the Florida Gators lost to Alabama last season.
I don't know how you feel about Glen Beck, but he sure cries a lot.
Dan Rather cries at the end of this segment with Dave Letterman.
Terrell Owens had a memorable crying moment.
In one of the most awkward moments I have ever seen on TV, Kanye West cried on Leno.
President George H.W. Bush cried more than a lot of others.
Who can forget about the "It's Still Real to Me Dammit" guy?
Also, the Bible tells us that "Jesus wept." I'm having trouble finding video for this one.

That's right, Greg finds himself in a category populated by Jack Bauer, Emmitt Smith, and Jesus. It's time for men to ask themselves whether it's truly unmanly to cry. I think the masculinity standard is more complex these days. However, one thing remains certain: there's no crying in sports, especially baseball. Emmitt Smith, Brett Favre, and Tim Tebow clarify that this standard is limited to the playing field. Once the game is over, apparently the sprinklers can come on. Aside from crying during a game, the most unmanly thing to cry about is probably physical pain. This seems counterintuitive, but I think it's true. It's almost a Man Law that when you are in physical pain you fight back tears as hard as you possibly can. To be sure, there is a threshold beyond which it is okay to cry -- somewhere between high ankle sprain and major broken bone (nothing below the ankles or wrists). And finally, there is the crying Greg talked about. This kind of crying is brought on by being moved emotionally. As shown by the examples above, I think this kind of crying is becoming more and more acceptable. It's almost as if you publicly proclaim: "I am such a man that I don't care if I'm moved to tears by my emotions. Nothing you think will affect my manliness." Greg was headed straight down this path.

Was headed straight down this path. And then two words changed everything: "tender heart." Maybe he actually meant: "I have embraced the tender animal heart I have been eating with my bare hands." Now that's manly. Or maybe it was a Lionel Richie reference, which has a certain element of romantic smoothness. Maybe Greg was trying to tell us that he is experiencing early symptoms of congenital heart failure. This is a serious condition that many men suffer from and is certainly not unmanly to have. If that's the case, we obviously wish him the best and will keep him in our prayers.

But if "tender heart" really means what it sounds like it means? Well, that's just plain unmanly.

Recent Acts of Terror

Dearest readers (assuming this blog actually has readers), you may have noted recently that the United States issued a travel alert for Europe amid heightened suspicions of terrorism. It is my deepest regret to inform you that the terrorists have struck again. This time, however, the target was not a railway, aircraft, subway, or ship. This time, the attack was electronic. This time, the target was none other than our dear friend and colleague Greg Brinck. The New York Times should soon report that, shortly before midnight on Monday, October 4th, an unknown terrorist group electronically sabotaged Greg Brinck's blog, Life in the Burbs (affectionately know to The Response as the "Mother Ship"). The attack removed Greg's post for that day. Early speculation is that Greg dropped such a bombshell of a post that the terrorists had to move fast.

Sadly, there has been some speculation that there was no terrorist attack yesterday. These conspiracy theorists insist that Greg did not post anything on his blog. In other words, they are blaming Greg for the lack of a blog post. I hope nobody falls victim to this line of nonsense. To believe this is to question Greg's work ethic and dedication to Life in the Burbs. To believe this is to believe that I, the Responding Guy, am more dedicated to The Response than Greg is to Life in the Burbs. To believe this would be to believe that Greg is a hypocrite (see the "New Fame" post). Friends, I refuse to adopt such a belief. And if you believe that Greg, after questioning my work ethic and commitment to The Response, turned around and failed to make his daily post, thus turning himself into a hypocrite, the terrorists have won.

Fire

I tried, but I just can't make light of forest fire. This post is really just to prevent Greg from questioning my commitment and work ethic again. I still can't believe he did that. I'm tellin ya, 2012.

Horrible news about a completely uncontained fire threatening Crooked Creek Ranch. A lot of Young Lifers have great memories there.

Greg also has a great point about the dead trees. Trees in that area have been devastated by the pine beetle. It's a powerful demonstration of Mother Nature at work. Too often our Forest Service tries to have its cake and eat it too: We want as many natural forces to play out as possible in the National Forests, but we also want the forests to always be lush and beautiful. Sometimes these goals are mutually exclusive. Our government does a lot to protect the forests from many of nature's devastating forces. But right now Mother Nature seems to be stepping in and restoring the cyclical nature of forest life. The pine beetle will probably kill billions of trees, leaving dead, dry bark almost waiting to be set ablaze. It will burn, and the forests will be restored--healthier and stronger--over time.

In the meantime, we can only pray that the places and people we love remain safe.

Note: Responder Gal was really disappointed with this post. I'm not exactly sure what she wanted from me. Forest fire is a pretty hot topic. I haven't really done much research on forest fire jokes, but something tells me  the area is completely dry. I mean, any attempt would probably just go up in smoke. Oh man, I'm probably going to burn in hell.

New Fame

The Response got its first plug today. Sure, it happened to be from the Mother Ship, but a plug is a plug. Unfortunately, the Mother Ship also took shots at my work ethic and commitment. You heard right. Greg Brinck just took a shot at my work ethic and commitment. Greg Brinck. Work ethic. Commitment. Anyone? Maybe I'm being too harsh. Greg has excellent commitment and work ethic for everything related to Young Life. It's definitely where God wants him right now. But was anyone else worried about 2012 when Greg graduated from college significantly ahead of his eight and a half year timeline? With Greg graduated, things could hit the fan anytime now. On the other hand, if your name is Ken Tankersley, I'd like to point out that Greg is just a dog-gone great worker and is doing his darndest to take advantage of the chance of a lifetime.

In other news, KU football got trampled by Baylor 55-7 on Saturday. Is Kansas going to a bowl? No. But things may not be as bleak as Greg made it sound. I mean, looking ahead, they can realistically . . . well ok, maybe not. But they do have that really awesome . . . oh, no he graduated. At least you get Colorado at home. Kansas can definitely possibly keep that one competitive. But, Greg is right: Kansas basketball starts soon. And Kansas will be good. They will head into the season ranked around #6. Gotta be excited about the Morris brothers returning and possible big contributions from Sophomore Elijah Johnson and heralded top recruit Josh Selby. Also, Kansas avoids powerhouse Northern Iowa on this year's schedule.

Uncle Peter

So, apparently Greg has an ornery Jewish Uncle named Peter who went to a few YL clubs in the past. Two words: support letter. If nothing else, do it for Uncle Peter's ornery response."Oh, look, a letter from my nephew Greg." You know the moment I'm talking about. You're still excited about the letter. Wondering what could be inside. I mean come on, EVERYONE loves getting snail mail that is not (1) bills, (2) coupons (Responder Gal would disagree on this one), (3) advertisements (which I think includes catalogs), (4) credit card promos, (5) election materials, (6) anything from banks , (7) thank you cards, (8) graduation announcements, and (9) wedding announcements.

Especially when you get the key. Again, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And if you don't know what the key is, you're out of connection with 99% of American society. Ok, maybe not that much, but you are out of the loop. I actually feel kind of sorry for you. The key is that good. Just so you're not in the dark, the key goes to the really big mailboxes right next to your regular-sized mailbox. The key is the single greatest thing that can show up in your mailbox. Whenever you go to check your mail, you look over at the big mailboxes to see if there are any keys missing. If there are, you hope beyond all hope that one of them (maybe two?! No, don't get greedy) is in your box. When the key shows up, the mailman (mailperson?) might as well have put an ounce of pure hope in your box. Especially when you weren't expecting anything. At that moment, anything could be waiting for you in the big mailbox. Unfortunately, the hopeful feeling is fleeting. The thing has to actually be something. And that something is rarely something great. But, before you narrow the universe of possibilities by turning the key in that big mailbox, it is, without doubt, the greatest postal-related feeling possible.

I left one thing off the list of things that people don't like to get in the mail: support letters. Even us un-ornery people know what it's like to open a support letter. It sucks because, at first, you think it's just a letter. Thus, we can all identify with Uncle Peter's initial response. "Oh, look, a letter from my nephew Greg. Maybe he's writing to tell me how much he enjoyed reconnecting. Wow, I haven't gotten a letter that wasn't [1-9 above] in decades. Maybe things are starting to turn around for me." But then, once again, the universe of possibilities is cruelly narrowed. Only this time it's not one of us, it's ornery Uncle Peter. Now, I don't know ornery Uncle Peter, but I have an idea to make this situation even sweeter: Put the support letter in a big package. He probably lives in a house, so the key is not in play, but a big package is a big package. The reaction would be similar to the key, especially since the package is unexpected. Oh man, would Uncle Peter be pissed. He would be out for revenge Ocean's 13 style. Still worth it. Greg doesn't have any money anyway.

You might have noticed that I bypassed the stereotypical "asking for money from a Jewish guy" route. Overplayed. But, probably still valid.

A lot of material from this post, Greg. Keep it up.

Maiden Response

The concept behind The Response is simple: respond to Greg Brinck. As many of you realize, this is a ground breaking idea. Especially when the blog you are responding to is called "Life in the Burbs." Not much material there. Or is there?

Initially, I would like to point out that Greg follows his own blog.